Down and out

Well I guess I need to play a bit of catch up...

I did end up picking myself back up on Thursday and getting over my pity party rather quickly. I knew I would. Still not even sure why I had the pity party to begin with.

Friday started out being super crazy, it was pay day which usually means buying groceries too. We really needed produce as we go through a lot of fruits and vegetables here. I had breakfast, did my double workout bright and squirrely at 8:30am-9:30am, we did my measurements and yes I was right I am down more inches! I lost a couple more inches off my thighs and lost on my waist and hips... it was great!

Then shortly after went grocery shopping, then the unfortunate task of unloading the groceries. I gave my kids some easy lunches (burritos/pizza pops) since they enjoy them. The smell was so tempting to have one of my own considering it was like 1:30PM and were were all starving. I ended up having a whole wheat ham sandwich, cucumbers, strawberries and an orange.

I had a birthday party to go to that night so I already knew supper would be pizza. I had a difficult time getting my water in too. So we get to the party and had pizza (I had 2 slices and some chicken wings) then after that we had cupcakes, my mouth said "Mmm..." my body said "Ick!" I felt sick afterwards. It just weighed so heavily on my stomach.

Got home and found out our furnace was broken, lovely! So we went to bed shortly after putting the kids to bed in warm jammies. My house was at 14.5C so pretty dang freezing, my husband needed to wait for the parts place to open the following morning at 9AM to replace the part (handy hubby he is) and we knew it would get even colder in our house.

Saturday morning was off to a bad start, a girlfriend invited me and the kids up for breakfast so we didn't have to freeze in an 8C house! So I went up there and had coffee for the first time in MONTHS and I don't drink coffee without sugar and flavored cream (which is why I don't drink it anymore), she offered and I accepted because it had been so long. Then she made me toast with PB and J and I ended up finishing my daughters microwave packet of oatmeal (maple and brown sugar)... HOLY CRAP was that stuff sweet! Which is odd seeing me say that since I used to be such a sweet-tooth-aholic but that was disgusting. The oatmeal wasn't the same texture either it was like mush. Nothing my girlfriend did, that's just the nature of how microwave oatmeal is.

For lunch I met with my friend whom I haven't seen in months. She treated me to Vietnamese. It was awesome. Actually going to both of my girlfriends that day was complimentary, as both of them had huge reactions to my weight loss, both of them hadn't seen me in a very long time.

I ended up eating my leftover Vietnamese for my afternoon "snack" prior to my workout that afternoon. We decided since it was absolutely freezing, and I still had a slight chill from the night before that we would just hit the gym. So we started to train on our running first. We did 20 minutes and ran 1min and speed walked 1min. By the end of it I was tired, that was difficult for me, I know my stamina needs time to build though. After the running came biking, we were going to do another 10KM on the bike -- my previous attempt at this on Thursday I did the biking in 28min. After doing running first I found it extremely difficult -- again could be nutrition that day. I struggled through the biking and did it in 38min. I was disappointed with that but at least I completed it. That night my husband and I had our date night and ordered in Sushi.

Sunday I decided would be a rest day, I am supposed to do my stretch video but I forgot. I slept in as I was feeling a bit off Saturday night and then I had some fruit and a yogurt and off to meet a friend for Sushi then browsing the mall a bit. I'm not really one for window shopping but I did try on some new jeans. I fell in love with them but for $74.99 for a pair of jeans that I will only wear for a few months...no way! Came home later in the afternoon and we struggled to come up with an idea for food for supper as I couldn't get a hold of my husband to tell him what to take out. So ultimately we decided to have nachos as it was quick and easy and we had all the fixings except we needed more chips. I got some low sodium chips at the store and a thing of sour cream for myself and something about nachos just makes me crave Pepsi like you can't believe. It is permanently embedded in my head, the last time I had nachos I didn't have any but I feel I didn't have as much crap in my body at that time to make it more difficult. So I was weak and bought pepsi too.
Not a great supper....

What was worse was after having such a heavy and unhealthy supper I was craving buttered popcorn like mad. I didn't have that, I got up once to make it and decided not to and eventually just went to bed.

Monday I tried to make it better, I told myself I would be better with eating and nutrition but I didn't go to sleep that night until 2AM. I woke up and I was beyond exhausted. I felt like I couldn't function. I made myself a granola/nutella fruit parfait which was extremely filling and good. I diced up the strawberries really small in it; because of the fact that it was so filling I didn't really have an appetite for a mid-morning snack so ended up just skipping the snack and having a ham sandwich again for lunch.
Later in the afternoon I was craving cookies and chips and chocolate so bad, I ended up just forcing past the cravings since I didn't have any of that junk anyway and I had an orange for my snack. I did take chicken out for supper but by the time supper came around I just didn't have any gumption to cook and for some reason (I think it was all the unhealthy food) I was feeling lethargic. I had a warm bath and just couldn't snap out of it. My mind was focussed on crappy food and I couldn't shut it off. I created a monster these last few days and so I told my husband I wanted butter chicken. I have been craving it for so long but I didn't want to give in because of how extremely unhealthy it is. With the entire weekend the way it was I seemingly opened pandoras box. So that's what I had for supper last night. Again I went to bed feeling sick. It doesn't seem to matter that my mouth says, "Mmmm!!" and my body says "Ick!" my mouth always seems to win in a moment of weakness.

Again last night I went to bed with tremendous guilt about how I had given in repetitively and vowed that today was going to be different. Of course with all this crappy food, do you think I have been at least good with my water? No. I am lucky to get in 1 bottle. I didn't exercise yesterday and I was going to do a double day today to make up for that but...

Today I woke up and I was fighting back the urge to vomit. I was quite sick actually and as a result my husband stayed home and let me sleep. I'm not sure what I had but I'm still not 100%. I have a headache and I just have no appetite. It is 1PM right now and I haven't eaten anything today as I slept until noon. I just was not well. I should have expected this to happen as my body is just simply not used to this much garbage and it kicked down my immune system or something.

So as a result of my behavior and lack of ability to fight against my cravings and have self control I have decided that I can no longer allow myself cheat days for a long time. I just am not mentally strong enough to resist. I still enjoy the food too much. I was hoping that all this sickness I felt after eating it would make me not want it but it hasn't, my mouth still wins. It is not worth opening that box of cravings temptation. Every time I cheat I want to cheat more. I have noticed this and if you go back on my blogs you can see the trend too. It just isn't worth me sacrificing all my hard work for. After trying on those jeans I am so determined to wear a pair of sexy jeans and look and feel good in them.

There are healthier options when my husband and I choose to have a date night. There is that amazing place here "The Chopped Leaf" I can get him to order me a salad and a wrap and that can be our dinner. I know this is a lifestyle change and in that logic I should be allowed to have treats here and there but the problem being is -- it isn't here and there. I take it too far. Food has always been an area of weakness for me. I am now finally down a huge amount of weight and I won't let myself sabotage all the work I've done to get here. So I am putting my foot down and I am saying, no more cheats/treats or any of that for a long time -- not forever but I am going to try and go as long as possible.

I am not proud of the choices I've made since Friday, not by a long shot. However, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I won't hide behind a curtain in this blog. This blog is here to keep me accountable. I can't expect others to read my blog and be encouraged if I am not real and honest about the times where I fall short too. This is a journey and I know that no road is smooth and perfect, there are always bumps along the way. I am choosing to make today a better day and even though I haven't eaten yet and it is already 1pm, I can still decide what food I eat. Obviously today will be yet again another no exercise day because I don't want to risk running my body down more, so I will just have to focus and Monday/Tuesday are now going to be what my Saturday/Sunday were. I need to exercise all the way through now.

That's all I have to say, and this has been quite a long blog as is.
Have a great day everyone!