T25 Day 77 (approx)

Super quick update since I know it has yet again been awhile!

I have begun the mother of all workouts: T25 Gamma! I am sure if you google it, you will find many videos that will give you an indication of what it is all about. It is intense. There is no modifications anymore on some of the workouts so I have had to step it up pretty high.

Lots of positives for me lately...

• I made myself a 1 month meal plan of clean eating meals
• I've made my own protein bars to make sure that I always have some snacky stuff on hand and
• I finally got my TEA MACHINE! I've been drinking green and herbal teas like they are going out of style. Not only has it reduced my cravings, it has kept me full longer and I am getting my water intake in!

Huge hurrah for me! I actually ended up losing another few pounds. I'm not even sure what I was at the last time I updated so I can't even really give a total for the length of time it has been since my last update. In any case I am approaching a number (soon) that I have never been able to get past.

I am feeling really encouraged now. My husband showed me a 10KM biking route for me to do outside now that it is getting warmer so I am thinking I will try to do that on the weekends. I need to try and get to the gym a few times a week otherwise my gym membership was all for not, which has been my track record in the past -- I don't want to do that anymore and waste that money.

I'm super pumped to say that I tried on a pair of white capris and I haven't fit them in like 3 years! Change is happening. I just feel really motivated and excited lately. I've been able to keep control over my cravings and I've been able to keep up on my T25 and I just feel like I have way more energy and stamina, I am able to do a lot more then I ever thought possible. I am building strength and muscle and slimming up. My life has taken a pretty unexpected (but amazing) turn with regards to fitness and I am becoming more of an active person. I once again look forward to my workouts!

Well that is all for now, like I said super quick update but at least I blogged something!

Lost and alone

Again it has been awhile since I posted. I find less and less desire to blog these days, but today I am feeling kind of low so I thought I would just get it out there.

I am just finding it so hard to clean eat these days. Clean eating requires a lot more work. A lot more planning, a lot more ingredients, a lot more creativity to spice things up (unless you want to eat bland!), and I also don't want to eat the same things day in and day out.

Where did all my ideas go!? I was doing so well in the beginning, and its not even as though my weight loss has hit a stand still or anything, I still managed to lose 3.5lbs this week again (total 26lbs now) which is absolutely amazing.
In spite of my struggles I was able to do my first mock triathlon last Sunday (swim in 24min, bike in 37.5min and running in 44min) I remember posting on here that the first time I did the 5K run (and it was JUST the run that night) I did it in 48min. I was able to shed lots of time off my running and some off my biking. I am trucking along. Never giving up and pushing myself each day, even if each day is proving to be more and more difficult.

I know that 80% of weight loss is nutrition, and I am apart of a clean eating challenge group on FB -- I see all these ladies doing so well and that was me in the beginning too. I am almost 3 months in. I guess I am just so frustrated because if I had a high metabolism I wouldn't need to clean eat. Bottom line is my mentality isn't there. I don't WANT to eat clean. I want to eat what I was brought up with because to me that is comfort food. It's easy. It's natural. It tastes good. Its familiar. I just keep thinking "if I wasn't fat I could totally eat whatever I wanted like my friends can."

My husband treated me to Olive Garden on Friday when my son was at a birthday party nearby. I am not sure Olive Garden is really a good place to even attempt to make healthier choices, regardless I didn't hold back on my cravings. I got whatever I felt like and got what looked good. It smelled so good in there it was intoxicating, the menu item pictures were so delicious looking, just looking at the pictures I was drooling (ha!). So what did I get? I got a frozen tirmisu drink (has a cookie and whip topping on it too), had a complimentary glass of wine with my meal, and lots of their garden salad (which turns out to not be healthy and it is actually super high in sodium) and a few breadsticks, my main supper was fetichini alfrado and this cheesy chicken and mushroom dish with a cream sauce on top. After I cheat I find I get really fatigued, so I didn't get my workout in on Friday (which is supposed to be a double), so I got home and just went to bed, the food continued to affect me into the next day. I slept in until 10:30am yesterday and just lounged in bed with my family until 11:40am I just couldn't make myself get out of bed. As a result I didn't even managed to get my first meal in until about 12:30pm. (I ended up eating my olive garden supper again for lunch because after all the salad and breadsticks the night before I couldn't finish, and my husband hates mushrooms so he wouldn't eat it and I couldn't let it go to waste)  So I skipped a breakfast and snack, and I am told that is equivalent to eating a McDonalds burger?? I don't really get how but that is what I am told. On top of skipping meals I cheated for the first meal that I did have.  This was not the only cheat I had this week. To be honest I cheated a lot this week - not with eating out but with just poor nutrition choices overall and missing meals which is still considered a cheat. I had A&W this week too (teen burger, onion rings, sm fry and a coke) -- man just typing that makes me sick. I have no idea how I could eat all that food?? Well I forced myself to finish, which was horrible.
To top Friday off even more I had a friend over and had coffee (with flavored cream & cane sugar), I had a few cups, first time that I have had coffee in forever!
This whole week has pretty much been a write off...
Yesterday I was on the phone with one of my friends and she told me she was making a honey ham, scallop potatoes and a  cheese ball and all kinds of other things for dinner that night for friends she was having over. Instantly I salivated, I wanted to make that too and was set on it -- until it hit me, "that isn't clean eating food"... well frick! I think that is where the downward spiral started for me yesterday, on top of already feeling lethargic. I think I just ended up feeling so defeated I got into a  'screw it' mindset. I even at one point justified it and told myself 'whatever its my body, my life'... yeah because that makes it okay right? ugh.

It was a fun day with family so really I had no real reason to feel so "down" except I didn't want to think about having to cook this extravagant clean eating meal (extravagant is sort of how I cook, lots of flavor and with clean eating I find I have to kick it up another notch and it requires a lot of work for me, not only to cook it but to think it up and prepare it etc..) I'm tired of clean eating and I know I have a long hard road ahead of me, I am 3 months in, but on the flip side I am ONLY 3 months in. See how that works? It's all a matter of how you think of it. I estimate it will take me 1 year to get to my goal from the time I started -- which means I still have a whole 9 months (or more at this rate) left. Yet this is the farthest I've ever gone with my weight loss (3 months) so on a more positive note that is huge, I've already come 3 months!

So we went swimming then we decided to have a nice family night dinner since we got finished up from swimming around 4:30pm and obviously had no supper plans (did you catch that? I had now only eaten lunch and missed my afternoon snack too!) so we resolved to get something different for us and the kids, got pizza for the boys, timbits, I got an ice cap (with the new chocolate whip cream topping), then we drove to get our dinner which was butter chicken (indian food) with naan bread, probably would have been healthier to have pizza then that! I ate way too much and felt sick for a long time after dinner -- and yet I managed to still eat lots of the timbits later on when hubs and I had our own movie too (we watched a movie with the kids during dinner).

The reason I am telling you this is because this is my accountability blog. I need to be accountable to myself and to anyone else who may draw inspiration from me, I am not perfect. I am very much an imperfect person -- especially when it comes to food choices. I admit I have a food addiction, then again who doesn't when it comes to eating all those chemical filled, refined, addictive ingredients. Sigh, and yet I know all this so why do I go back? I am weak. That is what it comes down to. I choose to succumb to my cravings, full well knowing what it will do to my body, but why? It isn't worth it. I had a cramping stomach ache last night which made it very difficult to sleep, then this morning I spent a bit in the bathroom (I think you can figure out doing what). Now I feel so tired again, I need to do a triple T25 today because its the last day - I start week 5 tomorrow so I don't have a choice. I dropped the ball on eating and exercise this week. So disappointed in myself.
My tongue and my brain need to get on the same page. My tongue wants it, my brain knows my body won't like it.
When I clean eat I do feel good, I have energy, I feel healthy, I don't feel bloated.
When I don't allow cheats, as soon as life throws me a curve ball and I eat something bad for me I end up like a crazy person (as seen by what I just said I ate yesterday) and I go way overboard. Which is why I have mentioned in the past that cheats don't work for me. I can't cheat. I need to get to a place where I can make better food choices in a restaurant for date nights/family nights.

This is so hard for me. I have no support. My husband will grant me my every desire - plus it isn't really a spouses place to say "no honey you can't eat that"... us woman would totally get bent out of a shape and take it the wrong way (when in the state of mind); furthermore our spouses can't say "you should exercise" ... I can't put that on him. As I sit here I am rational. I know that if he said that to me it would be because I asked him to do that for me, but when I am in that mode of wanting that bad food and he says "don't" I will take it personally. I don't intend to, but that is just a reaction.

So it is just me. Ups, and downs, it is only me. I work out alone. I am training for the triathlon alone. I am solely responsible for what I put in my mouth. This is how it is supposed to be though, I just don't know if I am ready to be tossed from the nest yet and fly solo. I had great support when I started this journey and I just miss that support, you know? I had people encouraging me left, right and center. Now it's almost as if people are just so tired of hearing about my weight loss, my exercise, my clean eating, I'm not even sure anyone reads this blog anymore. On top of having an overwhelming circle of support,  I had a workout partner in the beginning to push me, it was a set schedule (7/7:30pm every night) and I committed to that, now I have swayed from that because there is nobody I will disappoint if I don't do it. Just myself, which has never been enough for me in the past. C'est la vie, right? I can't blame anyone for my failures - this is MY journey. I am just saying it was much easier when I was doing it with someone. Anyone! I thrive with support. It keeps me amped. Makes me want to push myself harder to keep up. I don't know the mindset is just different. I've never succeeded on my own before, and the only reason I think I have come this far this time is because I did have a partner, this time was different. Life happens though, I'm just trying to deal with this shift (clearly not very well though)

I am not saying I am going to give up now, I'm just saying this journey is getting more challenging. You'd think after 3 months of doing it, that it would become second nature, right? Well it isn't for me. Maybe that is how it is supposed to be though. For me, its just 3 months of not being "allowed" that food. See? It is all in my mind. I think of it as that food is being taken from me because I am a bigger person. I don't clean eat, and exercise because I WANT to, I do it because I HAVE to. It is a chore to me. Which is the biggest thing that needs to change before I will succeed. I need to embrace this new lifestyle and change my way of thinking. This isn't a temporary change until I get skinny because if I don't stick to it I will just get big again. I did enjoy it in the beginning, it was exciting and again I was sharing recipes in the beginning with someone and we were feeding off each other and I drew my motivation from that. I had the "lifestyle" mindset in the beginning, I have no clue when I shifted gears, maybe when it started to get hard? I just feel so worn out. I feel like I am out of ideas.

I am lost and alone.

I think this is me at my crossroads right now. I have also been dealing with a lot of emotional crap this week (and I am an emotional eater) so there are a lot of challenges that I am working through right now. I know I will do it. I just needed to vent, which is what my blog is for after all.

Not much else I can say now... I need to put things into action and find my own encouragement, instead of depending on it from others. It is what it is.

Fell off the earth...

Well holy crap! It has been so long since I blogged.

I haven't fallen off the wagon by any means just haven't had a chance to get on here, I have been busy working out and focussing hard on training for my upcoming triathlon!

No point in playing catch up with this post since it has been that long, so I might as well catch you up to speed as best as possible. I decided to go with a local triathlon as cost played heavily into that which means instead of June 7th the new date is May 18th -- which doesn't give me a ton of time to train!

I started training for my running and biking this week. I ran my first 5KM last night which was brutal! Took me 48min. Tonight I did my 10KM bike in just over 40min -- that is my slowest time EVER! I was super bummed about that. I am looking forward to the nicer weather and going outside for my running and biking. Especially for the biking as on an exercise bike you literally have to bike ride constantly and on a real bike you can let your legs rest while you go downhill and yet you are still moving. Running is running but maybe the scenery changing will help me focus too -- I hope! Music sure didn't. I tried to focus on the beat tonight, maybe it did help a bit but it was so challenging to not quit. I kept trying to talk myself into it saying "you've done 10KM before and you know you can do it in 28min, your tired just quit" another time I said "just go to 5KM that's good enough" and if you can believe it I actually debated quitting at 9KM -- I was SO tired!! It has required a lot of mental focus lately to push through my workouts. I have always struggled with working out alone, that was the main reason I feel I always failed. This time I had someone to kick my butt and I to try and keep up with! It was someone I was accountable to and now I am only accountable to myself, which isn't a bad thing it just makes it a lot more difficult.

So yeah it has been challenging to work out by myself lately. I think this is just the way it will have to be as my partner is incredibly busy, it just means I have to dig even deeper when working out. I don't have that person beside me anymore saying "push it! don't quit!". Last night for running I almost quit like 50 times! I am NOT a runner and it is by far my biggest hurdle to overcome. I know I should be happy about running my first 5KM but all I could think about was how SLOW I was.
I did the same thing tonight for the biking. I felt so ridiculous for taking so long, I think tonight's workout played a lot into the fact that my legs were so sore from running last night. Only explanation, that and I did it on a level 10 pretty much steadily and was biking super fast too. How my husband put it was it was like biking the whole 10KM (almost) uphill. So next time I think I will take the level intensity down. It hurt! I actually scolded myself tonight for being slow. I remember actually saying in my head "geez just pick it up, your so freaking slow!" ... yep, my own worst critic at it again. I have been told many a times that I am hard on myself, honestly I don't think it is anything I can really help though.

So all this being said, I was originally going to take this week off for the T25 to let Joelene catch up since she missed last week then we could focus on trying to do the T25 together at least, but with her crazy new schedule and us not being able to match up times to do it, and in light of the last 2 days I have decided that I just need to get my T25 finished so I can focus 100% on triathlon training. If I take this week off I won't be done until May 9th which doesn't give me hardly any time to focus on training solely, but if I push through this week I will be done 1 week sooner and as it stands I need all the time I can get. It is my first triathlon and this is my first year being so physically active consistently probably since high school so my body needs time to build up stamina.

So now for some positive news! Last week was a bit of a struggle, I had the stomach flu BUT I ended up losing 3.5lbs and a bunch of inches! It stayed off. I then lost another .5lb the last time I weighed in (I think that was Saturday?) I am so looking forward to my weigh in this week as I have really dedicated to incorporating more protein in every meal/snack and NOT missing any meals. It has been a challenge some days but I am staying on track! I seen a video that Joelene shared on my Facebook about those wild cravings you get and the reason why. Well simply put it is because you aren't eating enough, and you aren't getting enough protein in either. So I focussed on beefing up my snacks and lunches with healthy fruits/vegetables and proteins and I have noticed a HUGE difference.

I am happy this week I get to finally order my tea machine and then I am going to buy a bunch of the "skinny genie" tea which will help to increase my metabolism, plus it tastes so good. Green tea (decaf) counts as part of your daily water intake so it will also give me variety there. I am also hoping to start taking Shakeology starting in April. Joelene ordered me some sample packs so I am excited for that too. I tried a couple and they also help with cravings and man do they fill you up! They are shakes as meal replacements but healthy and full of all your nutrients you need. Everyone who has taken them has seen amazing results in weight loss when coupled with exercise (T25 or some other beachbody workout) and clean eating. I am already doing 2/3 of that so here's hoping I can be another testimonial! I am also considering "selling" the stuff and becoming a beach body coach (mostly just so I can buy the shakeology at a discounted price) but if I can motivate others to come down the same journey as I just walked -- wow. What an inspiration that would be. I am not yet confident enough to post before/after pictures or post my start/current weights. However I do feel different, and I know I look different. I am not the same person who started this journey in January. I am stronger! In some ways I am the same though -- I am still hard on myself, and I still sell myself short!

I am also pumped because I want to start this new program after the T25 (and triathlon) called the "21 day fix" you should YouTube it. It seems so awesome! Some people have lost so much weight on that. Not that I am looking for that "quick fix" but I think a 21 day challenge is something I am up for and motivated to do.

ALSO (see now that I have started playing catch up I realize how many things have happened  these last few weeks!) I don't know if I have blogged this yet or not but I have also decided to do another 5K run in September called "The Neon Run" it looks SO FUN! I think I am totally becoming one of those exercise crazed people. I love it (and hate it at times), and I love this woman I am becoming! The more I walk this journey the more I amaze myself and the more excited I am to be a physically fit person.

Well a lot of training to do, so that being said... wish me luck! This weekend I am going to attempt my first "mock trial" doing all the exercises for the triathlon together to get my times. My son's birthday party is this weekend too! So hopefully I can resist cake! haha. Plus a family celebration on Sunday (spaghetti/garlic toast/ salad and more dessert!) I am going to try to resist as much as I can!

I think that pretty much covers it. Not really sure there is a whole lot more to add right now! Off to have my after workout protein (2 hard boiled eggs!)

Ciao!

Down and out

Well I guess I need to play a bit of catch up...

I did end up picking myself back up on Thursday and getting over my pity party rather quickly. I knew I would. Still not even sure why I had the pity party to begin with.

Friday started out being super crazy, it was pay day which usually means buying groceries too. We really needed produce as we go through a lot of fruits and vegetables here. I had breakfast, did my double workout bright and squirrely at 8:30am-9:30am, we did my measurements and yes I was right I am down more inches! I lost a couple more inches off my thighs and lost on my waist and hips... it was great!

Then shortly after went grocery shopping, then the unfortunate task of unloading the groceries. I gave my kids some easy lunches (burritos/pizza pops) since they enjoy them. The smell was so tempting to have one of my own considering it was like 1:30PM and were were all starving. I ended up having a whole wheat ham sandwich, cucumbers, strawberries and an orange.

I had a birthday party to go to that night so I already knew supper would be pizza. I had a difficult time getting my water in too. So we get to the party and had pizza (I had 2 slices and some chicken wings) then after that we had cupcakes, my mouth said "Mmm..." my body said "Ick!" I felt sick afterwards. It just weighed so heavily on my stomach.

Got home and found out our furnace was broken, lovely! So we went to bed shortly after putting the kids to bed in warm jammies. My house was at 14.5C so pretty dang freezing, my husband needed to wait for the parts place to open the following morning at 9AM to replace the part (handy hubby he is) and we knew it would get even colder in our house.

Saturday morning was off to a bad start, a girlfriend invited me and the kids up for breakfast so we didn't have to freeze in an 8C house! So I went up there and had coffee for the first time in MONTHS and I don't drink coffee without sugar and flavored cream (which is why I don't drink it anymore), she offered and I accepted because it had been so long. Then she made me toast with PB and J and I ended up finishing my daughters microwave packet of oatmeal (maple and brown sugar)... HOLY CRAP was that stuff sweet! Which is odd seeing me say that since I used to be such a sweet-tooth-aholic but that was disgusting. The oatmeal wasn't the same texture either it was like mush. Nothing my girlfriend did, that's just the nature of how microwave oatmeal is.

For lunch I met with my friend whom I haven't seen in months. She treated me to Vietnamese. It was awesome. Actually going to both of my girlfriends that day was complimentary, as both of them had huge reactions to my weight loss, both of them hadn't seen me in a very long time.

I ended up eating my leftover Vietnamese for my afternoon "snack" prior to my workout that afternoon. We decided since it was absolutely freezing, and I still had a slight chill from the night before that we would just hit the gym. So we started to train on our running first. We did 20 minutes and ran 1min and speed walked 1min. By the end of it I was tired, that was difficult for me, I know my stamina needs time to build though. After the running came biking, we were going to do another 10KM on the bike -- my previous attempt at this on Thursday I did the biking in 28min. After doing running first I found it extremely difficult -- again could be nutrition that day. I struggled through the biking and did it in 38min. I was disappointed with that but at least I completed it. That night my husband and I had our date night and ordered in Sushi.

Sunday I decided would be a rest day, I am supposed to do my stretch video but I forgot. I slept in as I was feeling a bit off Saturday night and then I had some fruit and a yogurt and off to meet a friend for Sushi then browsing the mall a bit. I'm not really one for window shopping but I did try on some new jeans. I fell in love with them but for $74.99 for a pair of jeans that I will only wear for a few months...no way! Came home later in the afternoon and we struggled to come up with an idea for food for supper as I couldn't get a hold of my husband to tell him what to take out. So ultimately we decided to have nachos as it was quick and easy and we had all the fixings except we needed more chips. I got some low sodium chips at the store and a thing of sour cream for myself and something about nachos just makes me crave Pepsi like you can't believe. It is permanently embedded in my head, the last time I had nachos I didn't have any but I feel I didn't have as much crap in my body at that time to make it more difficult. So I was weak and bought pepsi too.
Not a great supper....

What was worse was after having such a heavy and unhealthy supper I was craving buttered popcorn like mad. I didn't have that, I got up once to make it and decided not to and eventually just went to bed.

Monday I tried to make it better, I told myself I would be better with eating and nutrition but I didn't go to sleep that night until 2AM. I woke up and I was beyond exhausted. I felt like I couldn't function. I made myself a granola/nutella fruit parfait which was extremely filling and good. I diced up the strawberries really small in it; because of the fact that it was so filling I didn't really have an appetite for a mid-morning snack so ended up just skipping the snack and having a ham sandwich again for lunch.
Later in the afternoon I was craving cookies and chips and chocolate so bad, I ended up just forcing past the cravings since I didn't have any of that junk anyway and I had an orange for my snack. I did take chicken out for supper but by the time supper came around I just didn't have any gumption to cook and for some reason (I think it was all the unhealthy food) I was feeling lethargic. I had a warm bath and just couldn't snap out of it. My mind was focussed on crappy food and I couldn't shut it off. I created a monster these last few days and so I told my husband I wanted butter chicken. I have been craving it for so long but I didn't want to give in because of how extremely unhealthy it is. With the entire weekend the way it was I seemingly opened pandoras box. So that's what I had for supper last night. Again I went to bed feeling sick. It doesn't seem to matter that my mouth says, "Mmmm!!" and my body says "Ick!" my mouth always seems to win in a moment of weakness.

Again last night I went to bed with tremendous guilt about how I had given in repetitively and vowed that today was going to be different. Of course with all this crappy food, do you think I have been at least good with my water? No. I am lucky to get in 1 bottle. I didn't exercise yesterday and I was going to do a double day today to make up for that but...

Today I woke up and I was fighting back the urge to vomit. I was quite sick actually and as a result my husband stayed home and let me sleep. I'm not sure what I had but I'm still not 100%. I have a headache and I just have no appetite. It is 1PM right now and I haven't eaten anything today as I slept until noon. I just was not well. I should have expected this to happen as my body is just simply not used to this much garbage and it kicked down my immune system or something.

So as a result of my behavior and lack of ability to fight against my cravings and have self control I have decided that I can no longer allow myself cheat days for a long time. I just am not mentally strong enough to resist. I still enjoy the food too much. I was hoping that all this sickness I felt after eating it would make me not want it but it hasn't, my mouth still wins. It is not worth opening that box of cravings temptation. Every time I cheat I want to cheat more. I have noticed this and if you go back on my blogs you can see the trend too. It just isn't worth me sacrificing all my hard work for. After trying on those jeans I am so determined to wear a pair of sexy jeans and look and feel good in them.

There are healthier options when my husband and I choose to have a date night. There is that amazing place here "The Chopped Leaf" I can get him to order me a salad and a wrap and that can be our dinner. I know this is a lifestyle change and in that logic I should be allowed to have treats here and there but the problem being is -- it isn't here and there. I take it too far. Food has always been an area of weakness for me. I am now finally down a huge amount of weight and I won't let myself sabotage all the work I've done to get here. So I am putting my foot down and I am saying, no more cheats/treats or any of that for a long time -- not forever but I am going to try and go as long as possible.

I am not proud of the choices I've made since Friday, not by a long shot. However, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I won't hide behind a curtain in this blog. This blog is here to keep me accountable. I can't expect others to read my blog and be encouraged if I am not real and honest about the times where I fall short too. This is a journey and I know that no road is smooth and perfect, there are always bumps along the way. I am choosing to make today a better day and even though I haven't eaten yet and it is already 1pm, I can still decide what food I eat. Obviously today will be yet again another no exercise day because I don't want to risk running my body down more, so I will just have to focus and Monday/Tuesday are now going to be what my Saturday/Sunday were. I need to exercise all the way through now.

That's all I have to say, and this has been quite a long blog as is.
Have a great day everyone!

T25 - Day 36

Did you read that right? Why, yes you did.

Yes I am having a pity party. Why? I have absolutely no idea. I lost 3.5lbs in 6 days, I bet if I measured myself tomorrow it would show more inches lost yet when I look at myself I still see a huge chest, a huge stomach, a double chin, big thighs...yadda yadda yadda.

I could type all my imperfections out and you would be reading forever I am sure. How can it be that I am losing weight but I can't see it? I still feel huge. I am working SO hard to lose weight and yet... I feel like I am no further ahead.

I don't get it. Can someone please explain to me the secret of being happy, and staying positive during weight loss? I certainly do not have those answers.
I should be on cloud 9 right now.

Logic and ration tells me that it is impossible for me to be the same size after how much I have lost. I know that this will be a long journey and that after only 5 1/2 weeks I can't expect to look like I am 140lbs by any means. So why am I upset?

I did my Dynamic Core workout today and a lot of them were crunches. I find it incredibly hard to do crunches due to the fact that... well I have a large stomach in the way. I began to feel frustrated with the video, on several parts it didn't even show the modified moves and my core is not strong enough to do the advanced (not to mention my hip flexors aren't either!). I started to think that maybe the T25 isn't for "fat" people like me and maybe I won't be able to do the Beta or Gamma parts. I think I also partly let a so called "friend" in my head on the weekend.

He started to attack me about my chest size stating that each breast must weigh 50lbs (clearly not!) and stating that I get super fat in pregnancies (which really I don't! I gained a max of 30lbs with my 2nd and with the other two it was in and around the 20-25lb mark). I defended myself and stated this and he went further arguing that I gained 80lbs or something. I know it is just one person but you know what they say, it is a lot easier to accept the negative then it is the positive and lets face it. I've heard all this before. I've heard how fat I am, how obese I am... truthfully I have heard that more then I have heard the opposite: your beautiful, your not fat... so which do you think would be easier to believe?

It was highly rude, and inappropriate and quite shocking that someone that is supposed to be a friend would say such hurtful things like that.

I am not the type of person that can just let it roll off me like water off a ducks back. Comments like that, they stick to me like glue. I find it easier to accept the insults then the compliments, frustrating as it is. So this comment was made on Saturday and it has stayed in my head, and apparently it dug in deeper then I thought. All those words came flooding back to me during my workout today; well those words and of course the thousands of others I have heard or even said to myself. So yes it ended up being an emotional workout. I didn't even complete the cool down which I always do.
Sigh.

So again I say why do I let words get to me when as I have stated before, "proof is in the pudding". I lost 3.5lbs in 6 days! I should be rejoicing. So why can't I let go of those hurtful words. Why can't I just look at myself and see that change is happening?

I am sure I will, right now I am just having a "pity party" moment.
I know I will get over it but this is what I am feeling so this is what my blog is about today. I know this feeling won't last, but this is part of my journey and I needed to get it off my chest.

Anyway I am going to focus on making my day more positive.
Thanks for reading about my "woe is me" pity party moment!

T25 - Day 35

I need to play a bit of catch up before I fill you all in on my amazing achievement today!

Tuesday (yesterday)

I had a perfect day for nutrition, a medium good day for water and I actually enjoyed my workout! It was crazily enough, fun! It was upbeat and the variety was awesome. It worked in a level system, so it had "round 1", "level 1" and you did like 5 different exercises or so per round, and there was 3 different levels each round. So you repeated all the different exercises each level it just got faster and faster. Then at the end you did everything all over again but not for as long. I liked this one a lot. It was called speed 2.0 which is funny because I really disliked speed 1.0.

The only thing that I will say is that I stupidly did the T25 in the morning BEFORE breakfast. Dumb move. I almost puked, and I know a lot of times people say "I almost puked" and they exaggerate... this time I am being quite literal. I was gagging and swallowing back the urge and my stomach felt so ill, almost like stomach flu ill. Not good. Lesson learned, you can't do a workout like the T25 on an empty stomach. Won't do that again!

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful for blogging about...

Today

I had the mother of all difficult workouts today... so far... Rip'd Circuit. It was the first time ever using weights (or resistant bands were allowed too) and each exercise move you had to hold for at least 1 minute solid. The ab moves were intense and really worked your core. Even the simple cardio moves I've done in Alpha and even the last 2 days of Beta were difficult because instead of having to tough it out for 30sec I had to push it for even longer! There was a lot of moves that used dumb bells too so the added weights, with arm moves was pretty intense. I was hurting.

I have been doing my exercise in the morning after breakfast to get it over and done with (well except for yesterday, as I said I won't do that again!)

Speaking of food... again my food has been good today. Poached eggs and toast for breakfast with a tiny section of banana, apple for snack, chicken souvlaki ceasar salad for lunch, rice cakes and mixed nuts and a thinsation chocolate bar thing for snack then for supper I just had a chocolate/PB protein shake (half of it) then Joelene and I went out...

Okay so I am SO pumped about my exercise night! I did the 20 lengths in just over 15min again, and this time I did take breaks and I was practicing my flip turns under water and chit chatting a bit with Joelene so I guess if I had pushed myself extremely like I have been I may have been in the 14min range but I don't care. It was a great workout, plus I was so sore from the workout I had already completed today. My shoulders ached and my quads. I am pretty proud of my time.
After we did our lanes we sat in the hot tub for a bit then we decided to spontaneously go try to do 10KM on the bike in the upstairs gym!

So we got dried off and headed upstairs.

I am so happy to report that I pushed super hard, and after 28min I did 10km on the exercise bike and I felt like falling to the ground and not moving but... I DID IT! I ACTUALLY DID IT!

OH EM GEE! I am so pumped, shocked, happy, surprised, impressed, amazed, blown away, stunned... *insert similar words here* ME? .... ME!? I did it! I never in a million years would have thought that I could do something like that and yet... I did!
However, I have to admit I had NO IDEA how hard 10KM would be. Really puts this triathlon into perspective for me; but I only have to add on 5KM run now and that is the triathlon. I was able to do my swim and biking in 45min. Not bad if you ask me.

So all in all I think today has been a good day. I feel so tired, but yet I have that euphoric high after the workout... my legs are like jelly, I am clearly physically worn out but I feel so pumped still. I could definitely sleep, and I hope that I will sleep well tonight since that was probably something that contributed to my terrible time with the rip'd circuit today. My baby and toddler woke me up SO MUCH last night that I felt like a walking zombie today. A restful night sleep and good nutrition is key when having energy to do all this intense exercising. However, that being said, I still was able to do all I did today on limited sleep -- but mostly due to the proper food to fuel me! I was also able to get almost 4L of water in today too.

Well this has been quite an exciting update but I must go now, shower and enjoy an hour or so with my amazing, supportive husband then I am going to enjoy falling into bed!

Night!

T25 - Day 33

Oh my gosh. What a mixed emotion day for my exercise!

I started the Beta on the T25 today and I was out of breath and struggled A LOT through it. I was getting a little emotional too and was not able to hold a lot of moves and I needed to take a few second breathers here and there. I think all the exercise on Sunday caught up to me.

I focussed really hard today on my nutrition and I did awesome!

For breakfast I made healthy French toast - and only had 2 pieces, and I topped them with caramelized banana's which according to the recipe is also "healthy" and that satisfied me for a long time. I didn't have an appetite for a snack in the morning, probably because the breakfast was heavier. For lunch I had my greek souvlaki chicken salad again, it was amazing. I didn't have any avocado left so it was just everything else (red pepper/green pepper/cucumber/feta cheese/chicken) but I also added in diced red onion and I loved it. I was quite full.

Then at around 4PM I had a protein bar and 1/2 a banana. I didn't have much an appetite for supper but my hubs forced me to eat what I had made and I am glad, it was very tasty. I made that cabbage chicken  stir fry again, nothing else and I had a big bowl of that.

If you want the recipe for that again it is here: Chicken Cabbage Stir Fry Recipe
(you just need to scroll down in that post about half way)

Then after supper I decided that I would go lane swimming. It was a trying day with the kids and I just needed to GET OUT! All I can say is I can't believe the amazing feeling that is running through me right now. I am just so rejuvenated!

I did 20 lengths in just over 15mins again (not exactly sure the seconds after didn't count that) but this time I focussed on using less legs, and I wasn't as exhausted. I still didn't rest but that didn't bother me. I didn't struggle very much tonight and the only thing I can think of that was different was yesterday I had 2 burritos for lunch before I went, not exactly great fuel for exercising; plus I had a very exhausting night, then up at 5AM for the gold metal game.
So... bad food + not very rested adds up to the reason yesterday was so difficult. I mean don't let me fool you, it wasn't EASY by ANY means... I just didn't find I struggled as much as I did yesterday. It was still challenging and I still needed to focus and push through but my arms weren't as dead, I wasn't as out of breath... that kind of stuff. Also I noticed after I was done I didn't have that nauseous or dizzy feeling like I did yesterday either. I felt tired like I normally do after a workout but after I took a few minutes to catch my breath I started to come back down to ground.

I feel great right now, I soaked in the tub for a good 5+ minutes after and I just felt/feel at peace. Like all the stresses of my day have just left me and I am left with this euphoric feeling. :-)

I am hoping this is a good sign for tomorrow's T25 exercise. This Beta circuit is a lot more challenging then I thought, I figured after doing 5 weeks of the Alpha that I would struggle a bit with the next level up but not like this. It feels exactly how I felt when I first started the Alpha. I guess I can only expect to get better and stronger!

Lately I have been struggling a lot with recipe ideas. I use pinterest and google a lot but nothing really hits home with what I am wanting. I am sort of in a food lull. If you have any recipes that you have tried feel free to post a comment with some ideas! I may just have to look through my blog again too and repeat old recipes, like I did tonight with the chicken cabbage stir fry. Which by the way, don't let the name deter you from trying it - it's actually quite delicious!

Ok well that is all I have to say for now!