T25 - Day 36

Did you read that right? Why, yes you did.

Yes I am having a pity party. Why? I have absolutely no idea. I lost 3.5lbs in 6 days, I bet if I measured myself tomorrow it would show more inches lost yet when I look at myself I still see a huge chest, a huge stomach, a double chin, big thighs...yadda yadda yadda.

I could type all my imperfections out and you would be reading forever I am sure. How can it be that I am losing weight but I can't see it? I still feel huge. I am working SO hard to lose weight and yet... I feel like I am no further ahead.

I don't get it. Can someone please explain to me the secret of being happy, and staying positive during weight loss? I certainly do not have those answers.
I should be on cloud 9 right now.

Logic and ration tells me that it is impossible for me to be the same size after how much I have lost. I know that this will be a long journey and that after only 5 1/2 weeks I can't expect to look like I am 140lbs by any means. So why am I upset?

I did my Dynamic Core workout today and a lot of them were crunches. I find it incredibly hard to do crunches due to the fact that... well I have a large stomach in the way. I began to feel frustrated with the video, on several parts it didn't even show the modified moves and my core is not strong enough to do the advanced (not to mention my hip flexors aren't either!). I started to think that maybe the T25 isn't for "fat" people like me and maybe I won't be able to do the Beta or Gamma parts. I think I also partly let a so called "friend" in my head on the weekend.

He started to attack me about my chest size stating that each breast must weigh 50lbs (clearly not!) and stating that I get super fat in pregnancies (which really I don't! I gained a max of 30lbs with my 2nd and with the other two it was in and around the 20-25lb mark). I defended myself and stated this and he went further arguing that I gained 80lbs or something. I know it is just one person but you know what they say, it is a lot easier to accept the negative then it is the positive and lets face it. I've heard all this before. I've heard how fat I am, how obese I am... truthfully I have heard that more then I have heard the opposite: your beautiful, your not fat... so which do you think would be easier to believe?

It was highly rude, and inappropriate and quite shocking that someone that is supposed to be a friend would say such hurtful things like that.

I am not the type of person that can just let it roll off me like water off a ducks back. Comments like that, they stick to me like glue. I find it easier to accept the insults then the compliments, frustrating as it is. So this comment was made on Saturday and it has stayed in my head, and apparently it dug in deeper then I thought. All those words came flooding back to me during my workout today; well those words and of course the thousands of others I have heard or even said to myself. So yes it ended up being an emotional workout. I didn't even complete the cool down which I always do.
Sigh.

So again I say why do I let words get to me when as I have stated before, "proof is in the pudding". I lost 3.5lbs in 6 days! I should be rejoicing. So why can't I let go of those hurtful words. Why can't I just look at myself and see that change is happening?

I am sure I will, right now I am just having a "pity party" moment.
I know I will get over it but this is what I am feeling so this is what my blog is about today. I know this feeling won't last, but this is part of my journey and I needed to get it off my chest.

Anyway I am going to focus on making my day more positive.
Thanks for reading about my "woe is me" pity party moment!

T25 - Day 35

I need to play a bit of catch up before I fill you all in on my amazing achievement today!

Tuesday (yesterday)

I had a perfect day for nutrition, a medium good day for water and I actually enjoyed my workout! It was crazily enough, fun! It was upbeat and the variety was awesome. It worked in a level system, so it had "round 1", "level 1" and you did like 5 different exercises or so per round, and there was 3 different levels each round. So you repeated all the different exercises each level it just got faster and faster. Then at the end you did everything all over again but not for as long. I liked this one a lot. It was called speed 2.0 which is funny because I really disliked speed 1.0.

The only thing that I will say is that I stupidly did the T25 in the morning BEFORE breakfast. Dumb move. I almost puked, and I know a lot of times people say "I almost puked" and they exaggerate... this time I am being quite literal. I was gagging and swallowing back the urge and my stomach felt so ill, almost like stomach flu ill. Not good. Lesson learned, you can't do a workout like the T25 on an empty stomach. Won't do that again!

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful for blogging about...

Today

I had the mother of all difficult workouts today... so far... Rip'd Circuit. It was the first time ever using weights (or resistant bands were allowed too) and each exercise move you had to hold for at least 1 minute solid. The ab moves were intense and really worked your core. Even the simple cardio moves I've done in Alpha and even the last 2 days of Beta were difficult because instead of having to tough it out for 30sec I had to push it for even longer! There was a lot of moves that used dumb bells too so the added weights, with arm moves was pretty intense. I was hurting.

I have been doing my exercise in the morning after breakfast to get it over and done with (well except for yesterday, as I said I won't do that again!)

Speaking of food... again my food has been good today. Poached eggs and toast for breakfast with a tiny section of banana, apple for snack, chicken souvlaki ceasar salad for lunch, rice cakes and mixed nuts and a thinsation chocolate bar thing for snack then for supper I just had a chocolate/PB protein shake (half of it) then Joelene and I went out...

Okay so I am SO pumped about my exercise night! I did the 20 lengths in just over 15min again, and this time I did take breaks and I was practicing my flip turns under water and chit chatting a bit with Joelene so I guess if I had pushed myself extremely like I have been I may have been in the 14min range but I don't care. It was a great workout, plus I was so sore from the workout I had already completed today. My shoulders ached and my quads. I am pretty proud of my time.
After we did our lanes we sat in the hot tub for a bit then we decided to spontaneously go try to do 10KM on the bike in the upstairs gym!

So we got dried off and headed upstairs.

I am so happy to report that I pushed super hard, and after 28min I did 10km on the exercise bike and I felt like falling to the ground and not moving but... I DID IT! I ACTUALLY DID IT!

OH EM GEE! I am so pumped, shocked, happy, surprised, impressed, amazed, blown away, stunned... *insert similar words here* ME? .... ME!? I did it! I never in a million years would have thought that I could do something like that and yet... I did!
However, I have to admit I had NO IDEA how hard 10KM would be. Really puts this triathlon into perspective for me; but I only have to add on 5KM run now and that is the triathlon. I was able to do my swim and biking in 45min. Not bad if you ask me.

So all in all I think today has been a good day. I feel so tired, but yet I have that euphoric high after the workout... my legs are like jelly, I am clearly physically worn out but I feel so pumped still. I could definitely sleep, and I hope that I will sleep well tonight since that was probably something that contributed to my terrible time with the rip'd circuit today. My baby and toddler woke me up SO MUCH last night that I felt like a walking zombie today. A restful night sleep and good nutrition is key when having energy to do all this intense exercising. However, that being said, I still was able to do all I did today on limited sleep -- but mostly due to the proper food to fuel me! I was also able to get almost 4L of water in today too.

Well this has been quite an exciting update but I must go now, shower and enjoy an hour or so with my amazing, supportive husband then I am going to enjoy falling into bed!

Night!

T25 - Day 33

Oh my gosh. What a mixed emotion day for my exercise!

I started the Beta on the T25 today and I was out of breath and struggled A LOT through it. I was getting a little emotional too and was not able to hold a lot of moves and I needed to take a few second breathers here and there. I think all the exercise on Sunday caught up to me.

I focussed really hard today on my nutrition and I did awesome!

For breakfast I made healthy French toast - and only had 2 pieces, and I topped them with caramelized banana's which according to the recipe is also "healthy" and that satisfied me for a long time. I didn't have an appetite for a snack in the morning, probably because the breakfast was heavier. For lunch I had my greek souvlaki chicken salad again, it was amazing. I didn't have any avocado left so it was just everything else (red pepper/green pepper/cucumber/feta cheese/chicken) but I also added in diced red onion and I loved it. I was quite full.

Then at around 4PM I had a protein bar and 1/2 a banana. I didn't have much an appetite for supper but my hubs forced me to eat what I had made and I am glad, it was very tasty. I made that cabbage chicken  stir fry again, nothing else and I had a big bowl of that.

If you want the recipe for that again it is here: Chicken Cabbage Stir Fry Recipe
(you just need to scroll down in that post about half way)

Then after supper I decided that I would go lane swimming. It was a trying day with the kids and I just needed to GET OUT! All I can say is I can't believe the amazing feeling that is running through me right now. I am just so rejuvenated!

I did 20 lengths in just over 15mins again (not exactly sure the seconds after didn't count that) but this time I focussed on using less legs, and I wasn't as exhausted. I still didn't rest but that didn't bother me. I didn't struggle very much tonight and the only thing I can think of that was different was yesterday I had 2 burritos for lunch before I went, not exactly great fuel for exercising; plus I had a very exhausting night, then up at 5AM for the gold metal game.
So... bad food + not very rested adds up to the reason yesterday was so difficult. I mean don't let me fool you, it wasn't EASY by ANY means... I just didn't find I struggled as much as I did yesterday. It was still challenging and I still needed to focus and push through but my arms weren't as dead, I wasn't as out of breath... that kind of stuff. Also I noticed after I was done I didn't have that nauseous or dizzy feeling like I did yesterday either. I felt tired like I normally do after a workout but after I took a few minutes to catch my breath I started to come back down to ground.

I feel great right now, I soaked in the tub for a good 5+ minutes after and I just felt/feel at peace. Like all the stresses of my day have just left me and I am left with this euphoric feeling. :-)

I am hoping this is a good sign for tomorrow's T25 exercise. This Beta circuit is a lot more challenging then I thought, I figured after doing 5 weeks of the Alpha that I would struggle a bit with the next level up but not like this. It feels exactly how I felt when I first started the Alpha. I guess I can only expect to get better and stronger!

Lately I have been struggling a lot with recipe ideas. I use pinterest and google a lot but nothing really hits home with what I am wanting. I am sort of in a food lull. If you have any recipes that you have tried feel free to post a comment with some ideas! I may just have to look through my blog again too and repeat old recipes, like I did tonight with the chicken cabbage stir fry. Which by the way, don't let the name deter you from trying it - it's actually quite delicious!

Ok well that is all I have to say for now!

T25 - Day 32

Well if you can believe it I STILL need to finish my Total Body Circuit from Friday's double workout day. It just got so crazy busy that I didn't have a chance on Friday before my girls night. I didn't end up eating as healthy that night as I would have liked either but I brushed it off and made Saturday a good start...

I say it was a good start because despite how hard I tried to eat healthy and carve some time to workout it just didn't pan out. I got flooded with friends at all different hours, which is incredibly unusual. I woke up and had my oatmeal and then later had a banana. My friend arrived at 11:30am and stayed until 2pm. During our visit I had lunch which was 2 poached eggs, some cucumber and apple which basically bled into an afternoon snack since I just wasn't overly hungry after the eggs.

My first friend left at 2pm and moments later my second friend arrived and we had a nice visit until 3:30pm. My husband had just got back from working out of town all day, and about 5 minutes later we got our third wave of company -- which was friends we hadn't seen in a year! They ended up staying from 3:30pm-8:40pm and my planned supper which would have been that chicken cabbage stir fry ended up being home made pizzas, this was double disappointing because having them stay for dinner resulted in me ending up missing out on lane swimming with Joelene and well... pizza for supper after already having a pretty heavily "cheat" week and the night before cheating was not ideal. I wanted have something healthy. However life happens and today I have tried once again to make a better effort.

I got up at 5am to watch the hockey game so I had 2 over easy eggs with salsa and 2 pieces of toast with peanut butter and honey. I ended up going back to bed after the game for a couple hours and when I got up and showered and dressed I had a banana for my morning snack. We desperately needed groceries so I had to deal with what we had in the house for lunch after church as our toddler was napping (fell asleep in the van on the way home from church) and I was absolutely famished! So I had 2 mild beef burritos. Again, so not what I should have been eating, not ideal and not something I would ordinarily have.

After that I went lane swimming by myself. Joelene had totally blew our time out of the water last time, we did 20 lengths in 18.5 minutes. She informed me she did 20 in just over 15 minutes. So I thought I'd try. Could have been the not so healthy lunch, the lack of sleep or just pure exhaustion from the T25 but I found this one to be brutally hard. I did end up doing my 20 lengths in 15 minutes 10 seconds! However, she was able to rest for 15 secs which I so would have loved to do... I on the other hand didn't stop once! 20 lengths, no rest... one word: WOW! I was dizzy and felt a little sick afterwards. I got out of the lane pool (perhaps a bit too fast?) and I struggled to find my legs again, everything felt like jelly as I walked towards the hot tub. I felt a bit better after resting in the hot tub for 5 minutes but I didn't want to just sit there by myself so I got out earlier then I normally would have and those dizzy/sick feelings came back. I struggled to steady my feet while I dressed.

Maybe I pushed myself too hard but I really wanted to see if I could do it, and as it turns out I could! I struggled and it was damn hard but I did it. I doubt I will get any faster then this for awhile I have some weight to lose and some strength to build. I am pretty impressed with myself though because my friend is much thinner then I am and so far I am able to keep up with her even with all this weight to tow behind me! However if she gets much faster she will continue to blow me out of the water and be in a different heat on the triathlon. I really want to keep up with her because I want to do the triathlon together, but I can only do what I can do.

So after that exhausting lane swim workout I still need to push through my total body as mentioned above and also do a stretch video tonight. I'm sort of kicking myself for leaving everything till today.

We start our BETA cycle tomorrow so I have no wiggle room left. Today is the day and no matter how much my arms are screaming I need to keep pushing my body. I know I can do it. I've rested for a few hours and I don't plan to do the workout or stretch until this evening.

I plan to have a really healthy supper... well who am I kidding! I have been planning that for the last few days!! Tonight I am actually going to succeed though. I am making myself greek chicken souvlaki salad. It will have cucumber, red onion, peppers, avocado, feta cheese and of course the souvlaki chicken with a greek/feta and oregano dressing. I wanted to get a greek vinegrette that KRAFT is supposed to make but I guess Canada doesn't have that so next time I go cross border I will have to pick some up to try, this dressing will work though. I'm excited for it. I am actually trying to recreate the salad that Joelene and I get (well I get it in a form of a wrap when we go) from "The Chopped Leaf" restaurant here. It is so flavorful, healthy and just what I need tonight - a carb free supper!

On that note, I need to go deal with my supper stuff. Wish me luck on my remaining workouts tonight! I will blog after my first BETA exercise tomorrow, I have to admit I am nervous for this next level of the T25... it will be even more intense and I am already adding my own intensity with lane swimming (and soon running training and biking training!) ... ah well, toughen up body! Open the flood gates of exercise pain because I am not about to back down now!

T25 - Day 30!!

THIRTY DAYS OF T25 IN WHOOOOOO!!!

Today was a double day and I have only done the lower body so far, doing the total body at 1pm. I can't do them back to back anymore it is just too difficult with all the other exercise I'm putting my body through.

I am very excited though! Today was my weigh in and measurements and it has been 2 weeks since I have done them since last week was kiboshed due to my bad eating. Which I am sort of bummed that I lost that week but on the same note I am proud of myself for how much I have lost! It is insane!!

So here are my measurements lost, total for the last 5 weeks:

• Chest: 1 1/2"
• Waist: 3 3/4"
• Hips: 4 1/2"
• Thighs: 2"
• Arms: 1 1/2"

TOTAL INCHES LOST: 13 1/4
TOTAL POUNDS LOST IN 4 WEEKS: 8LBS
TOTAL WEIGHT LOST SINCE JANUARY 1ST, 2014: 13LBS!

 Proof is in the pudding! I am mighty proud of this. Of these measurements, in the last 2 WEEKS I lost: 3 1/2" off my waist, and 3 1/2 inches off my hips and 1/2 inch each side for my thighs... in TWO WEEKS! That's incredible! I am pumped. Super pumped! I love measurement and weigh in days when they are positive, it gives me such a surge of motivation and encouragement.

Like I said I still have my total body to do this afternoon, but today is my LAST DAY OF ALPHA!! I did it. I completed one cycle of the T25 program. Next up... BETA!

I am going out on a girls night tonight with a girlfriend I haven't seen in 6 months. However these results make me want to eat a salad and make wise choices tonight. It has definitely restored my temptation strength, if I push even harder I can lose more on the scale too!

Well that is my update for today, hope you all have a great weekend!

T25 - Day 28

Update time.

I wanted to check in and let everyone know that I have been doing great this week. Monday I started doing my workouts in the morning. I had a good day for eating, water is still something I need to work on. Tuesday I worked out in the morning again, but am going to have to work super hard on my water intake as we all went out to see the new Lego Movie and of course I couldn't resist popcorn and candy. I did buy a bottled water instead of pop but I was weak in the face of temptation.

I won't weigh in until Saturday or Sunday. We went out for dinner on Monday since it was family day in Alberta and I got myself a Thai Chicken Salad and shared some tomato soup with my daughter. Again I stuck with a lemon water even though my family got juices and pop for my husband. It didn't bug me actually.

Today was difficult for my exercise because I spent the entire day cleaning and on my feet, quite literally. I vacuumed, cleaned 3 bathrooms top to bottom, mopped my floors, washed and folded and put away like 3 baskets of laundry, took down outdoor Christmas stuff since the weather is now warm enough to do so, did dishes, packed away baby stuff to the basement, the list goes on and on... so naturally I was already fatigued.
This week for some reason it is a Total Body Circuit marathon... Monday, Wednesday and Friday is total body workout which I absolutely hate. Tomorrow is Cardio which will also suck but hopefully not as much since I go lane swimming that night, Friday is my double day and added on to the total body will be lower body. I am trying not to think about that. My sister in law has also asked me to go lane swimming with her on Friday but I think I am going to pass, firstly the drive down there will suck after doing a double workout that day, and second I don't think I can manage to do any laps with 50min of T25 that day. I also plan to go lane swimming on Saturday.

I know this seems like a lot but I don't want to give up my T25, I want to see it through. I don't like to quit things. Plus I need to train for the triathlon and the 5K color me rad so I need to add on even more to the exercise routine eventually; right now it is only the T25 and lane swimming (trying for 3x a week on that!), but eventually I will have to start training for the run and 10K bike in the triathlon too. So my body will just have to suck it up!

I am hoping to see some big results in my weight here soon. I still need to try and make my 8lb goal this month which might be hard due to last weeks hiccup and I did eat out on Monday and the movies Tuesday... sigh.

Anyway I am going to relax for a bit then off to shower and bed. Need to rest up for a tough couple days coming!

Good night all.

T25 - Day 25

Friday didn't work according to planned. I was fighting a horrible headache all day (likely from my over excessive girls night before and sodium over kill!) I did make an effort to workout though, as soon as I played my video the doorbell rang and I got a Valentine's day delivery.

From there the day was kiboshed, my husband came home earlier and spoiled me more by letting me nap - well I didn't wake up until 4:10pm (oops!), then it was a mad rush to get dressed and out the door because we wanted to go to Olive Garden for supper, and anyone who has been there knows it is always such a long wait (because it is the only one 300km!) well we did get there and they told us it would be a 1hr 45min wait, we opted to wait anyway as sometimes they are off and in this case they were, 40 minutes later we were seated.

I actually DID try to make good food choices when I was there, we ordered 1 drink each (the tiramisu so good!) and I only allowed myself 1 breadstick, and I filled up on garden salad. I ordered the "tour of Italy" which gives 3 three small portions of food (lasagna, fettuccine alfredo, and chicken parmaseana) because I had planned to take one portion home and make a salad for the lunch the next day. I found out later on that actually the salad from Olive Garden is horrible! It is filled with a lot of sodium. Very deceiving! One bowl of their salad has 750mg of sodium in it. They do saturate their salads with a lot of dressing and cheese and croutons though.

So when I had my leftover lasagna the next day I made a conscious effort to measure out my dressing (I did actually purchase a bottle of their dressing) and only had 1tbsp on a large bowl of salad which was more then enough. I had tea that morning with Joelene and we planned to go out lane swimming last night to train for the triathlon. We needed to do 20 lengths in 20 minutes which is the slowest time. I got myself a 1 year membership yesterday to the gym so I could go there as often as I want to train, as I will need to train for the 5K run too soon, and the 10K bike.

Let me tell you that swim last night was difficult! I had no idea how exhausting it would be to swim 20 laps. After two I was struggling and I still had 18 more to go at that point, but I did it! I still had to finish off a total body workout for the T25 that night too.
After our swimming we went to the chopped leaf and got some healthy suppers. Then home, from there I worked out right away so that the protein from my chicken wrap would count for my workout, haha... actually I'm not sure I'm supposed to do that, but it worked and I wasn't hungry afterwards.

My arms killed so badly during the workout from all those laps.

Today was a great day too, still need to power down on my water though, I'm not doing over well with that; however I do feel I am getting back on track with my eating, motivation and exercise. Last week was a bad week. A small blip in my journey is how I am choosing to look at it. Don't dwell on what you can't change, focus on what you can!

For breakfast today I had a chocolate protein shake because I didn't get up till 10AM, I really couldn't shut my brain off last night. I ended up not being able to fall asleep until 3AM or so. My baby was up A LOT nursing last night too. In short, it was not a restful night at all.

When I got home I had a greek chicken wrap, and now I need to quickly have a snack as supper will be very soon too. Really trying to squeeze in food today as best as I can. I was busy working out this afternoon, I managed to do my double workout today which means I am totally caught up for my Alpha week 4, today I did the speed 1.0 cardio and the abs, my loving husband did both right along side with me. Such an amazing supporter! I am totally ready to take on week 5 tomorrow!

They are running another biggest loser competition and I am debating joining again, I only have to weigh in every 2 weeks and they are also doing inches lost this time too. The prize money would definitely be awesome to buy all the new clothes I am going to have to buy anyway with all my training and working out I am doing. Still undecided though, I don't know if I can take anything that could discourage me right now. I have until March 2nd to decide.

I guess that's all I have to say for now! I hope I can continue to stay encouraged.

Bottomed Out

Well I didn't work out yesterday and I ended up having to deal with some really difficult stuff which as a result sent me into a downward spiral. I hate really badly yesterday.

For breakfast I had oatmeal which wasn't bad, then my snack was an apple again I seemed to be holding it together considering I was hit with a bombshell of bad news and then I was an emotional train wreck.

Lunch I said screw it and had 2 spicy burritos (1300mg of sodium for both of them combined- yikes!) then I had a cookie and I went to nap as my husband came home to help me cope. I was supposed to do my workout but I was just so emotionally exhausted from crying all morning that I couldn't. I missed my snack and was scheduled to have a girls night with one of my bessies. She didn't arrive until 7PM and I had eaten a "pigs in a blanket" that my husband made for my kids. Which if you are not familiar is a hot dog wrapped in a puff pastry. Bad, bad and more bad to follow.

We went to Original Joe's for supper. I ordered a chipotle chicken quesadilla with home-cut fries and their famous "dill dip" and a bottle of wine - ha. She ordered some hummus and bread too and asked me to share it with her. I was so STUFFED and we continued to keep drinking and socializing.

At the end of it I had 7 glasses of wine and believe me I am not thinking it was the best idea in the world today. The food and atmosphere was amazing and the night out was exactly what I needed, and the company. So it was a bad day with a bad night and there is no way in heck I am weighing in this week.

I am really going to try and push through as much fluids as possible today, I am finding myself quite dehydrated.
For my breakfast I made an avocado, spinach, banana, coconut greek yogurt and pinapple juice smoothie. My goal is to drink 7 of these 24oz bottles. I was told that for 1 glass of wine you need to drink about 24oz of water to counter it, well I had 7 glasses of wine so I need to counter it. I am already 2 in today and its 10AM -- I started pounding the water back at like 4 or 5am. I was so parched.

If I can I want to do 3x the workouts today. Today was a double day anyway and I need to make up for yesterdays total body. I want to stay on track for this T25. Yes I know this sounds extreme, and my husband has also told me that at some point I need to go swimming this weekend so I can start training for my triathlon and figure out my swim times.

I have a challenging day ahead of me but I feel rejuvenated, and ready to get back on track.

Joelene shared the most amazing quote on my timeline on Facebook today which is EXACTLY what I needed to read:

Life doesn't always go how you want it to go. There will be obstacles, problems & things that just plain suck.

What matters most is how you handle it.....go ahead cry, emotionally eat, think that the world is unfair & forget to brush your teeth.

BUT after you catch your breath & get some rest....you need to pick yourself up and carry on. 

Seriously what great friends I have. That really is exactly what I needed to read, especially after last night.

So here I go... I am going to pick myself back and make this day count as best I can!

T25 - Day 21

I am struggling a lot since this weekend. I can't seem to keep my head above water and I feel like my body is fighting against me.  I fear I am failing.

My workout partner has not been well so it is just me working out now, and I have been doing great so far since my motivation ball got rolling but the last few days I have struggled so bad and I feel like I'm falling down a slippery slope.

Today's workout was so hard I actually ended up crying through it. I wasn't able to workout yesterday as I was literally baking all day for my sons beavers valentines party and his school party today then I had the very busy beavers party as a leader after an entire day of baking, the day before that I was cleaning the house top to bottom and I don't know whats up with my energy levels lately but I feel so drained.

Yesterday I managed to resist eating more then 1 cookie. I made chocolate cupcake with pink frosting and a heart shaped chocolate on top; for the beavers I made these delicious heart shaped cookies. I kept eyeballing the cupcakes yesterday and didn't have one. I did sneak a cookie. I felt good about that. Kept up on my eating, had what I consider to be healthy snacks.

Today I was eating fine too ... until I couldn't resist the cupcakes anymore, I had one. Luckily there are only two left and my sons will have them for snack. Sugar effects me in the worst way I've noticed, yet I still keep going back. I guess I am a glutton for punishment.

I felt so alone today working out... as I said I missed my workout yesterday so I decided to split up a double workout today and do last nights workout this afternoon and then I still have the workout tonight which is lower body. This afternoons workout was total body and for the last 3 1/2 weeks I have checked off "nailed it" but for some reason today was just as hard as it was the first time doing it.

I was literally crying by the end of today's workout (part 1!) and I still have a lower body to do later and I just don't even know how I am going to manage that. I already felt like I couldn't do the first one today and I literally barely got through it, lots of tears, lots of pausing, and I was much slower then usual too.

 I know that I workout better with a partner, always have and my husband hasn't been able to workout lately due to our baby girl not cooperating, I don't have anyone beside me  pushing me to keep going and it is so easy to just justify stopping or saying "that's good enough" but when your working out with someone they are doing it all too and when you stop you have a sense of guilt so you dig deeper. For some reason I can't seem to dig deep like that right now -- I just feel so much like quitting. Like I said my body is fighting against me and these workouts should be getting easier but they are harder. I'm dreading the weigh in this week which will be a day earlier since valentines day is Friday so I will weigh in Friday morning and figure out how to do my measurements (since I have yet to do it by myself as I am never really sure the right areas of measuring but I can go off my last measurements and fumble through it)

I just feel so lost on this journey now and I don't know my direction anymore. I am in week 4 of the T25 and I am proud of that but at the same time I am so scared. I still have 1 more week of this (alpha) then I go 5 weeks (beta) and 5 more weeks (gamma) and I just don't know if I can do it alone anymore. sigh. Well this is my vent today.

Hopefully I can push through the lower body tonight and I don't make any excuses, at the end of the day this is my journey and I hope I can continue doing it, but this is a long hard road and I have barely just begun......

T25 - Day 19

Time to catch you up to speed...

Well the title of this blog should really read "temptation fail" but I've decided to keep track of how many days I've been doing the T25 so we'll stick with that.

Saturday was actually a decent day, I ate well and worked out - we did the cardio workout. Then Saturday night was date night/cheat night. I am starting to notice a huge trend and I think after Valentine's Day (my husband is planning something special) I am going to restrict my cheat days even more, or try and tweak it a bit. I find that I am more weak to temptation once I allow those doors to open; but I have said that about myself, I give an inch and it will go a mile.

We had Vietnamese food, mostly healthy but we did get some deep fried spring rolls and of course the peanut sauce I'm sure is both loaded with sugar and fat. On top of that I had two huge glasses of wine and a bag of chips. I don't even know why I bought the chips as I was STUFFED after dinner but for some reason I started eating the chips during our movie anyway. My stomach hurt and yet it didn't stop me.
Now remember I did say I wouldn't hide anything on this blog, or sugar coat it or make it seem like it is all daffodils and daisies... it was a moment of weakness that I am shamed to admit bled into the rest of the weekend.

I woke up earlier on Sunday, had some oatmeal and went off to church but I didn't pack a snack for the church and this is where the downward spiral began... came home and I had two... that's right, TWO egg salad sandwiches, some more chips, a few gulps of what was left of my husbands pepsi, then about 30-45 min after lunch we had decided to watch a family movie so I made popcorn (and let me tell ya I didn't go easy on the butter!) and we chowed down to the popcorn. Later that evening we went to my sister in laws to celebrate her birthday, I made a ceaser salad to bring and she made lasagna. I had a square and a half of lasagna and she had lemonade at the table, so instead of water I helped myself to a tall glass of that sweet juice and ate my lasagna before the salad... I didn't have room for any salad after that (well that and the salad dressing wasn't really to my taste). Then came birthday cake time, a chocolate mint cake with peppermint frosting (mint is a huge weakness of mine! Chocolate Chip Mint ice cream is my favorite). I didn't dish myself a piece it was dished for me, so I happily ate it. My mother in law went back for a half piece and I took the other half. Yes, you counted right I had a piece and a half of that chocolate cake.

I had a mild migraine and felt sick to my stomach (which honestly, I deserved!). I felt so ridiculous. Like a starved child who hadn't tasted food before, I couldn't get enough. The old me reared her ugly head this weekend and now my head is hung in shame and disappointment.

I made a vow to make today a better day, to drink my water today and make sure not to skip out on any meals. I was successful in that, but today was an extremely stressful and physically draining day. I woke up exhausted as my kids were up every hour or two last night and then I had a mile long chore list to contend with. Cleaning all my bathrooms, doing laundry, washing all my new Tupperware that arrived (by hand since my dishwasher was full) ... yadda, yadda, yadda... it was a very taxing day on my patience too. My kids just were constantly needing supervision for some reason or another making each task I had to do that much more challenging.

I had originally planned to have fish with roasted asparagus and roasted garlic parmesan cheese but I was flat on my butt when my husband was on his way home so he offered to bring home dinner. I am not going to lie, thoughts of KFC and McDonald's immediately came to mind, but I made that vow, remember? So I told him to go get me a chicken sharwarma on a whole wheat pita with roasted red pepper hummus and loads of veggies, yum!
I do feel as though we are eating out more then we should be, and definitely more then January.

It's so frustrating feeling like I am in this rut with absolutely NO reason to be. I had a great weigh in on Saturday! In one week I lost another 1.5lbs , I lost 1/4" off my waist, I lost 2 inches off my thighs. I was not overly joyed about it at first until I had some sense smacked into me. So this rut isn't caused my lack of results, I really don't know what it is. I feel an emotional barrier is there trying to sabotage me. I am missing the old eating ways of not having to think so much. Clean eating can taste good yes, but it does take planning and you need to be prepared. Last minute meal planning can lead to eating out... but all this trying to stay on top of things is just burning me out mentally I think. I know it will be worth it, I know it. Right now I am just so tired of thinking of healthy meals, it's not something I am familiar with and so therefore doesn't come easily for me.

What comes easily for me is what I grew up with (naturally). I can just get so exhausting to plan meals 24/7 which is why I think we are eating out more and why I think I am giving myself too much lead way on the cheating.

I didn't want to workout today. In fact, when Joelene texted that she couldn't workout tonight, I responded that I wasn't going to either, I was crabby and I flat out just didn't want to, I believe I actually told her I wanted to eat a bag of cookies (which isn't good to crave that when I actually need to bake 3 dozen sugar cookies for my son's beavers party tomorrow!). I had a nagging voice inside me though and I couldn't shake it, so at 8:30pm I said screw it and turned on the video and pushed through the 25min cardio workout.   Now I am enjoying a chocolate, peanut butter, and banana protein shake which is more then satisfying my craving.

Today may have been emotionally crappy but I do feel so proud of myself for staying on track with my eating and water and most of all actually pushing myself to workout even though every fiber of my being said NO!

Here's hoping tomorrow is better!

T25 - Day 16

Well another double day workout done. I did total body workout and the abs tonight with my pal Joelene. We both did amazing.
After the abs workout we were both still feeling like we could totally handle another. It is amazing how far we have come within these last 16 days. When we had to do our first double workout we were dying, and even in the second week of the T25 we were still struggling.

I remember the cardio video being insane, and now it seems to be like an active workout for us. Our stamina and endurance is through the roof. Joelene commented several times tonight on how flat my stomach is getting, it's literally melting away. There isn't much of a gut left (still a little one). I can't wait for my family to see the change in my body in June, and imagine how much more weight I will lose by then!
I am even noticing as I look in the mirror, when I wear outfits I don't have to suck in. Outside of the actual body part there are other changes in me that are noticeable. Like my attitude, my determination, my focus and dedication.
Last night I didn't have to do two of those intense workouts, but I voluntarily did it! Back when I started this journey on January 2nd, even before we started the T25 program there is no way in heck I would have done that. I either would have made an excuse and skipped out or I would have done the bare minimum.

It's funny actually, I remember for years hearing all those stories of women who weighed 280lbs or whatever and then after a year they got down to 140lbs and they all said the same thing, "if I can do it so can you!" even on the show the biggest loser, you watch these extreme transformations as you watch the season in the course of weeks and you think to yourself, "I could never do that" and yet everyone of those contestants say the same thing, "if I can do it so can you!". I never believed that before, I always made excuses like, "yeah well they have a professional trainer yelling at them in their face, they are quarantined basically on a ranch eliminated from day to day cravings and work stress etc" I just never though that I could be a success story, and yet here I am, only just over a month in on my journey and I can already look ahead and see that I WILL be one of those success stories.

It's the whole reason for my blog, for myself and my family and anyone else who follows along to read and to see that if a person who struggled with emotional eating, who tried all those diets, who tried a nutritionist, who went through massive cravings and depression and been through the ringer with crap in my life can stop all that and get on the straight and narrow, why can't you? why can't anyone? I can actually understand now why all those people who came from where I was to where I will be can say "if I can do it so can you" because I am living it. I haven't even reached where I want to be yet and already I am saying that mantra to others. If I can do it, so can YOU!

Anyone who reads this blog can also see it takes a lot of hard work, and it isn't always easy. Today I drove past A&W and McDonalds and I had a craving. The only thing that stopped me from going in and buying lunch for me and the kiddos is my drive to wanting to be a person who loves herself. I can honestly say I can not remember ever really loving myself and appreciating who I am. This journey is about a lot more then physical changes, it is emotional changes and habitual changes too. You have to want it bad enough. So get out of your own way and start making the change like I did. Granted it took me 10 years but it doesn't have to be like that for everyone.

I don't hide anything in this blog, because I want everyone who reads it to see that this is not a quick fix. It will have its ups and downs. Life happens. Sometimes you can't always eat great, or eat 6x a day or follow all the rules and that is OK, you just keep on going and strive to make the next day better.

I wasn't great with my water this week and I'm not going to let that beat me down. It may effect my weigh in tomorrow but I will make tomorrow better with my water in-take. I will strive to continuely be prepared. I seem to have my nutrition down for the most part and it's amazing how much clean eating is saving us money a month too! My husband did our monthly grocery budget which is usually $800 for our family but we always went to $1200 because we ate out a TON. Well for the month of January we spent $794.00!! How is that for amazing!? I share that because often times we use money as an excuse to not eat clean. It forces you to cook more and therefore you can't just order pizza and stuff, but we did still eat out. We did still have our date nights and yet we managed to stay under budget for our grocery allowance. I think that is pretty cool. I always thought buying fresh produce (while it seems to be expensive) would make us broke. Quite the opposite.

Anyway that's my rant for now, I just wanted to dedicate this blog to encourage others out there that you could do what I am doing, nothing is stopping you but YOU so get out of the way and start. =)

Happy Friday!

T25 - Day 15

Woot! Day 15! Well...I think I am on Day 15? anyway... it's been awhile since I blogged. Not much to report.
On Tuesday I didn't work out at all, I took that for my rest day since I felt really exhausted and congested all day I was worried if I pushed myself too far then by Wednesday I would be worse. My baby has been waking me up so much lately that I am not getting adequate rest so that sucks.

Wednesday we just did a stretch video since we have neglected to follow that part of the schedule (we are supposed to do a stretch video every Sunday), so it was more like an active rest day.

I felt bad that I had fallen behind on the weekly workouts and I didn't want to have to go 11 days without rest or however long it would work out to, so tonight I REALLY pushed it hard and all I can say is, wow. You just never know what you are capable of until you push yourself to a whole new level.

So tonight's workout was Speed 1.0 which is the advanced cardio video in the Alpha series. Along with that I also did lower body focus right after. A voluntary double workout!? Say whaaa? I feel amazing though. I was a little concerned because usually when I do the speed workout I am dying and sweating so bad, I didn't really start to sweat until 8 minutes left on the clock (so already 17 minutes or so into the workout) and I wasn't sweating near as much as I usually do. I guess that means I am getting to be more fit? So adding the lower body focus was good I think, although I may not feel that way tomorrow when there is yet another double workout: total body and abs.

We finished our ab challenge and are thinking of starting a plank challenge now instead of repeating the ab one. I'm a little intimidated by this challenge because by Day 30 or whatever day it goes up to you have to be able to do a 5 minute plank; but as I just said you never know what you are capable of until you push yourself to a whole new level. So bring it on I say!

Nutrition has been back on track for the most part but since I ran out of water in our water jug I've been slacking on that, which isn't good! So tonight, now that we have another jug, I am going to see if I can chug back a bit -- although I'm not sure how much I can get in since it is already 10:30pm.

I'm getting more nervous now for my weigh in on Saturday because of my lack of water this week. We shall see what the results hold. I watched the biggest loser finale with Joelene last night and was pretty encouraged by all the people who had starting weights around what I was back in October 2013 and how far they have come and how much they have lost. I hit kind of a lull today in the dinner field. I am struggling to come up with new and interesting meals that are tasty, but I was also feeling pretty picky today too so hopefully I will have better luck tomorrow. I think the fact that I was unprepared really hindered me too.

Outside of that - really nothing new to report just chugging along with the T25, impressed that I am getting stronger! I don't know why that still impresses me but it does.

Well that's all for today.

T25 - Day 12

Well I worked very hard today at my eating -- actually truth be told I was a bottomless pit. I really think it is because I didn't eat properly over the weekend and my body was trying to make up for it.

I don't think I ate bad stuff today though, for breakfast I made this:

Strawberry Banana French Toast Casserole

Ingredients
•4 slices bread (gluten-free or whole grain), crust trimmed, cut into cubes
•1 banana, mashed
•6 strawberries, diced
•1/2 cup almond milk
•3 eggs
•1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
•1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
•maple syrup for serving

Directions
1.Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Lightly grease a small baking dish or individual ramekins with spray oil. Place cubed bread in baking dish(es). Mix mashed banana, strawberries, milk, eggs, cinnamon and vanilla together in a medium bowl. Pour milk mixture over bread cubes and toss gently until bread is evenly coated.
2.Bake for 20-25 minutes or until cooked through.
3.Serve with maple syrup.

Then for snack at around 11:40am I had two rice cakes, a small bowl of coconut greek yogurt and some grapes. Lunch was at 12:30pm and I had a whole wheat sandwich with black forest ham, lettuce, tomato and cheese (mayo and mustard in small amounts) and I had an apple sliced up with that. A couple hours later around 2:30pm I was starving again, and I had such a bad chocolate craving so I had a 100 calorie chocolate bar type thing,  some cottage cheese and I actually devoured a whole bag of crispy mini's. That part wasn't the best.

Then I was starving again around 4pm so I had a bunch of cucumber and served supper early at 5:30pm. Joelene was a sweetie and actually made us supper tonight. Whole wheat penne pasta, chicken in a yummy chicken sauce, broccoli and a bit of cheese. It was healthy and delicious. See? bottomless pit today!

I got my water in today too. I am however struggling with a head cold as I think I mentioned so I wasn't sure I could do the workout tonight. I pushed through it, and damn was it hard! It was the total body circuit and then of course the AB challenge.

I CAN OFFICIALLY SAY WE COMPLETED THE AB CHALLENGE!! YEAH!

• We did 150 crunches
• 58 leg raises
• and a 90 second plank

Clearly the hardest one yet and we both did it! I am proud, and we are going to start it all over again because it just adds that extra AB work to each workout night.

Well I finished off my night with a peanut butter, banana & chocolate protein powder shake. It was good and very satisfying. Now I'm going to hit the hay because I am NOT going to allow myself to get sick!

Rough weekend

Well just a quick update this morning to catch you up to speed on the weekend. I will also blog tonight after my ridiculously hard workout - ha! I hope I can push through the exercise tonight as I am starting to feel under the weather (stuffed nose, slightly sore throat, and I am exhausted!)

We did our weigh in and measurements on Saturday and I was down 1/2lb Saturday.

Total Measurements/Weight Lost in January:
Chest: 2.5 inches
Hips: 2 inches
Waist: 3/4 inch
Legs: 1 inch off each leg
Arms: 1/2 inch off my R arm
Weight: 10lbs

So that was my total loss for one month! To celebrate Joelene and I went out for lunch at this amazing place where I live called "The Chopped Leaf" and it is actually healthy food, you can build your own wrap or salads or whatever! They have special soups of the day too. To my surprise Joelene paid for my lunch! =)
I got a whole wheat wrap with chicken, romaine lettuce, feta cheese, cucumber, peppers and red onion with a Greek vinaigrette; also had a broccoli cheddar soup.

After lunch we got pedicures! Then I got a 30 min Swedish Massage.

Sounds like a good weekend right? Well for my cheat night I decided to have butter chicken. I hated that I had this incredible feeling of guilt after eating it, again that diet mindset kicked in. I also had 2 9oz glasses of wine. We stayed up super late building our sons guinea pig cage, so I wasn't rested on Sunday at all (my own fault).

I stupidly weighed myself Sunday morning as it was the biggest loser finale and I was still on the fence if I would go or not -- after my scale showed me that I gained 2.5lbs (due to the sodium and sugar in the butter chicken and wine, Joelene informed me, but at the moment I didn't consider that!) my heart just sank. I was devastated. I worked so hard to be below that point and I got into another digit recently and to see myself creep right back up. There was no way in heck I was going to that finale - it would have destroyed me.

My friend Lisa won the biggest loser and I am proud of her, she did work hard! Then I look at myself and I am also working hard (now) and I got a little bummed out Sunday evening. I cried a lot. I kept thinking that I am working so damn hard at clean eating and exercising and I can't even treat myself because as soon as I do I gain it all back on the scale. 5 steps forward 10 leaps back.
Well the rational side of me didn't think that way but I can't ignore the other thoughts either. This is a hard journey I am on. There were other factors involved in my little breakdown but I don't want to share those details - they aren't weight loss related.

Joelene invited me over for green tea last night and we talked it all out and I did actually feel better. It really helped to get it off my chest and like I said I didn't even think that the gain was sodium and sugar based, for some reason I don't really think sodium adds weight but it does. She was amazing. She said "Tara, you didn't eat 30,000 calories worth of food it's impossible" and of course she is right.
I craved nachos last night for supper (so made them healthy...er) I am not sure you can really say nachos are healthy but I made them as healthy as I could. Joelene was thinking about why I was craving those and apparently the wine has some factor in that (the sugar in the wine) because she herself admitted that she craved something yesterday too after having a glass of wine on Saturday. I am now again thinking that perhaps weekly treats aren't in my favor, but I struggle with this thinking because that is the "diet" thinking that takes over. I can have a cheat night. I know this. Just don't weigh myself the next day! and make sure to not take so many cheats throughout my week.

My nutrition wasn't bad in what I ate over the weekend it was more so the skipped meals. I allowed myself 1 cheat meal but any meal skipped is a cheat. So in that logic I cheated a lot on the weekend. For starters there was the horrid Friday of not eating all day, then Saturday I just had 3 of my 6 meals, Sunday was the same thing 3 out of my 6. So that was 12 cheats I took for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Not eating at all is just as bad as eating crap -- or in the same ball park.
When I told Joelene about my Friday she told me that is likely why I lost only 1/2 pound, not that a half pound isn't anything to be excited for.. it pushed me to the 10lb loss but I probably could have lost more. My body is used to eating a certain way and I was NOT prepared. This week I am going to try to only have that 1 cheat night (if I even take it), no skipped meals or snacks is my goal (oh, and getting my water in!)

Honestly, I just have no excuses because I got like $400.00 worth of groceries and my fridge is stocked with fresh fruit and vegetables, the options and possibilities are endless for snacks and meals! I just need to take the time to make myself some food. I just felt so frustrated because if I am not 1 step ahead I feel like this whole thing could unravel. Which simply isn't the case - I would never allow myself to back track after all this but it was just a bit disheartening that I couldn't get my crap together food wise. I had no clue what to eat Sunday night nor did I have an appetite, I had some nice suggestions from Joelene but as soon as my husband said "healthy nachos" that's immediately what I wanted. Normally I am surfing pinterest for food ideas and I know what I am eating for supper by lunch, well this was at 5:30pm that this was decided. This weekend was just crappy and lets leave it at that.

It's Monday so fresh start. I have a whole new week to make my weight loss count. I found this pinterest recipe for a healthy baked French toast breakfast and I have been wanting to make it for awhile but didn't have strawberries.

I wanted to share this with you all because well... it's all apart of my journey and to show you that yes for the most part I do have it together and I am doing well but I do struggle and it isn't easy. Reading my blog you may think otherwise as I post about my exercise success and all these recipes, and I'm always cooking and my days just seem to run so smooth on text. I have proof read my blogs myself prior to posting and it does seem like I'm stead fast and nothing can sway me, well this weekend is proof that life happens and sometimes it's out of your control. However in my case, if I would have been more prepared that wouldn't have been so bad. I need to have some baggies of carrots or protein bars or something in my van so that I always have something.

I did poorly in the water department as well, but like I said it is Monday and it is a fresh start.

Anyway, with all that said I'm going to wrap this up and get to making my breakfast, my body is telling me to put food in it!

~Ciao