T25 - Day 21

I am struggling a lot since this weekend. I can't seem to keep my head above water and I feel like my body is fighting against me.  I fear I am failing.

My workout partner has not been well so it is just me working out now, and I have been doing great so far since my motivation ball got rolling but the last few days I have struggled so bad and I feel like I'm falling down a slippery slope.

Today's workout was so hard I actually ended up crying through it. I wasn't able to workout yesterday as I was literally baking all day for my sons beavers valentines party and his school party today then I had the very busy beavers party as a leader after an entire day of baking, the day before that I was cleaning the house top to bottom and I don't know whats up with my energy levels lately but I feel so drained.

Yesterday I managed to resist eating more then 1 cookie. I made chocolate cupcake with pink frosting and a heart shaped chocolate on top; for the beavers I made these delicious heart shaped cookies. I kept eyeballing the cupcakes yesterday and didn't have one. I did sneak a cookie. I felt good about that. Kept up on my eating, had what I consider to be healthy snacks.

Today I was eating fine too ... until I couldn't resist the cupcakes anymore, I had one. Luckily there are only two left and my sons will have them for snack. Sugar effects me in the worst way I've noticed, yet I still keep going back. I guess I am a glutton for punishment.

I felt so alone today working out... as I said I missed my workout yesterday so I decided to split up a double workout today and do last nights workout this afternoon and then I still have the workout tonight which is lower body. This afternoons workout was total body and for the last 3 1/2 weeks I have checked off "nailed it" but for some reason today was just as hard as it was the first time doing it.

I was literally crying by the end of today's workout (part 1!) and I still have a lower body to do later and I just don't even know how I am going to manage that. I already felt like I couldn't do the first one today and I literally barely got through it, lots of tears, lots of pausing, and I was much slower then usual too.

 I know that I workout better with a partner, always have and my husband hasn't been able to workout lately due to our baby girl not cooperating, I don't have anyone beside me  pushing me to keep going and it is so easy to just justify stopping or saying "that's good enough" but when your working out with someone they are doing it all too and when you stop you have a sense of guilt so you dig deeper. For some reason I can't seem to dig deep like that right now -- I just feel so much like quitting. Like I said my body is fighting against me and these workouts should be getting easier but they are harder. I'm dreading the weigh in this week which will be a day earlier since valentines day is Friday so I will weigh in Friday morning and figure out how to do my measurements (since I have yet to do it by myself as I am never really sure the right areas of measuring but I can go off my last measurements and fumble through it)

I just feel so lost on this journey now and I don't know my direction anymore. I am in week 4 of the T25 and I am proud of that but at the same time I am so scared. I still have 1 more week of this (alpha) then I go 5 weeks (beta) and 5 more weeks (gamma) and I just don't know if I can do it alone anymore. sigh. Well this is my vent today.

Hopefully I can push through the lower body tonight and I don't make any excuses, at the end of the day this is my journey and I hope I can continue doing it, but this is a long hard road and I have barely just begun......