T25 - Day 36

Did you read that right? Why, yes you did.

Yes I am having a pity party. Why? I have absolutely no idea. I lost 3.5lbs in 6 days, I bet if I measured myself tomorrow it would show more inches lost yet when I look at myself I still see a huge chest, a huge stomach, a double chin, big thighs...yadda yadda yadda.

I could type all my imperfections out and you would be reading forever I am sure. How can it be that I am losing weight but I can't see it? I still feel huge. I am working SO hard to lose weight and yet... I feel like I am no further ahead.

I don't get it. Can someone please explain to me the secret of being happy, and staying positive during weight loss? I certainly do not have those answers.
I should be on cloud 9 right now.

Logic and ration tells me that it is impossible for me to be the same size after how much I have lost. I know that this will be a long journey and that after only 5 1/2 weeks I can't expect to look like I am 140lbs by any means. So why am I upset?

I did my Dynamic Core workout today and a lot of them were crunches. I find it incredibly hard to do crunches due to the fact that... well I have a large stomach in the way. I began to feel frustrated with the video, on several parts it didn't even show the modified moves and my core is not strong enough to do the advanced (not to mention my hip flexors aren't either!). I started to think that maybe the T25 isn't for "fat" people like me and maybe I won't be able to do the Beta or Gamma parts. I think I also partly let a so called "friend" in my head on the weekend.

He started to attack me about my chest size stating that each breast must weigh 50lbs (clearly not!) and stating that I get super fat in pregnancies (which really I don't! I gained a max of 30lbs with my 2nd and with the other two it was in and around the 20-25lb mark). I defended myself and stated this and he went further arguing that I gained 80lbs or something. I know it is just one person but you know what they say, it is a lot easier to accept the negative then it is the positive and lets face it. I've heard all this before. I've heard how fat I am, how obese I am... truthfully I have heard that more then I have heard the opposite: your beautiful, your not fat... so which do you think would be easier to believe?

It was highly rude, and inappropriate and quite shocking that someone that is supposed to be a friend would say such hurtful things like that.

I am not the type of person that can just let it roll off me like water off a ducks back. Comments like that, they stick to me like glue. I find it easier to accept the insults then the compliments, frustrating as it is. So this comment was made on Saturday and it has stayed in my head, and apparently it dug in deeper then I thought. All those words came flooding back to me during my workout today; well those words and of course the thousands of others I have heard or even said to myself. So yes it ended up being an emotional workout. I didn't even complete the cool down which I always do.
Sigh.

So again I say why do I let words get to me when as I have stated before, "proof is in the pudding". I lost 3.5lbs in 6 days! I should be rejoicing. So why can't I let go of those hurtful words. Why can't I just look at myself and see that change is happening?

I am sure I will, right now I am just having a "pity party" moment.
I know I will get over it but this is what I am feeling so this is what my blog is about today. I know this feeling won't last, but this is part of my journey and I needed to get it off my chest.

Anyway I am going to focus on making my day more positive.
Thanks for reading about my "woe is me" pity party moment!