Lost and alone

Again it has been awhile since I posted. I find less and less desire to blog these days, but today I am feeling kind of low so I thought I would just get it out there.

I am just finding it so hard to clean eat these days. Clean eating requires a lot more work. A lot more planning, a lot more ingredients, a lot more creativity to spice things up (unless you want to eat bland!), and I also don't want to eat the same things day in and day out.

Where did all my ideas go!? I was doing so well in the beginning, and its not even as though my weight loss has hit a stand still or anything, I still managed to lose 3.5lbs this week again (total 26lbs now) which is absolutely amazing.
In spite of my struggles I was able to do my first mock triathlon last Sunday (swim in 24min, bike in 37.5min and running in 44min) I remember posting on here that the first time I did the 5K run (and it was JUST the run that night) I did it in 48min. I was able to shed lots of time off my running and some off my biking. I am trucking along. Never giving up and pushing myself each day, even if each day is proving to be more and more difficult.

I know that 80% of weight loss is nutrition, and I am apart of a clean eating challenge group on FB -- I see all these ladies doing so well and that was me in the beginning too. I am almost 3 months in. I guess I am just so frustrated because if I had a high metabolism I wouldn't need to clean eat. Bottom line is my mentality isn't there. I don't WANT to eat clean. I want to eat what I was brought up with because to me that is comfort food. It's easy. It's natural. It tastes good. Its familiar. I just keep thinking "if I wasn't fat I could totally eat whatever I wanted like my friends can."

My husband treated me to Olive Garden on Friday when my son was at a birthday party nearby. I am not sure Olive Garden is really a good place to even attempt to make healthier choices, regardless I didn't hold back on my cravings. I got whatever I felt like and got what looked good. It smelled so good in there it was intoxicating, the menu item pictures were so delicious looking, just looking at the pictures I was drooling (ha!). So what did I get? I got a frozen tirmisu drink (has a cookie and whip topping on it too), had a complimentary glass of wine with my meal, and lots of their garden salad (which turns out to not be healthy and it is actually super high in sodium) and a few breadsticks, my main supper was fetichini alfrado and this cheesy chicken and mushroom dish with a cream sauce on top. After I cheat I find I get really fatigued, so I didn't get my workout in on Friday (which is supposed to be a double), so I got home and just went to bed, the food continued to affect me into the next day. I slept in until 10:30am yesterday and just lounged in bed with my family until 11:40am I just couldn't make myself get out of bed. As a result I didn't even managed to get my first meal in until about 12:30pm. (I ended up eating my olive garden supper again for lunch because after all the salad and breadsticks the night before I couldn't finish, and my husband hates mushrooms so he wouldn't eat it and I couldn't let it go to waste)  So I skipped a breakfast and snack, and I am told that is equivalent to eating a McDonalds burger?? I don't really get how but that is what I am told. On top of skipping meals I cheated for the first meal that I did have.  This was not the only cheat I had this week. To be honest I cheated a lot this week - not with eating out but with just poor nutrition choices overall and missing meals which is still considered a cheat. I had A&W this week too (teen burger, onion rings, sm fry and a coke) -- man just typing that makes me sick. I have no idea how I could eat all that food?? Well I forced myself to finish, which was horrible.
To top Friday off even more I had a friend over and had coffee (with flavored cream & cane sugar), I had a few cups, first time that I have had coffee in forever!
This whole week has pretty much been a write off...
Yesterday I was on the phone with one of my friends and she told me she was making a honey ham, scallop potatoes and a  cheese ball and all kinds of other things for dinner that night for friends she was having over. Instantly I salivated, I wanted to make that too and was set on it -- until it hit me, "that isn't clean eating food"... well frick! I think that is where the downward spiral started for me yesterday, on top of already feeling lethargic. I think I just ended up feeling so defeated I got into a  'screw it' mindset. I even at one point justified it and told myself 'whatever its my body, my life'... yeah because that makes it okay right? ugh.

It was a fun day with family so really I had no real reason to feel so "down" except I didn't want to think about having to cook this extravagant clean eating meal (extravagant is sort of how I cook, lots of flavor and with clean eating I find I have to kick it up another notch and it requires a lot of work for me, not only to cook it but to think it up and prepare it etc..) I'm tired of clean eating and I know I have a long hard road ahead of me, I am 3 months in, but on the flip side I am ONLY 3 months in. See how that works? It's all a matter of how you think of it. I estimate it will take me 1 year to get to my goal from the time I started -- which means I still have a whole 9 months (or more at this rate) left. Yet this is the farthest I've ever gone with my weight loss (3 months) so on a more positive note that is huge, I've already come 3 months!

So we went swimming then we decided to have a nice family night dinner since we got finished up from swimming around 4:30pm and obviously had no supper plans (did you catch that? I had now only eaten lunch and missed my afternoon snack too!) so we resolved to get something different for us and the kids, got pizza for the boys, timbits, I got an ice cap (with the new chocolate whip cream topping), then we drove to get our dinner which was butter chicken (indian food) with naan bread, probably would have been healthier to have pizza then that! I ate way too much and felt sick for a long time after dinner -- and yet I managed to still eat lots of the timbits later on when hubs and I had our own movie too (we watched a movie with the kids during dinner).

The reason I am telling you this is because this is my accountability blog. I need to be accountable to myself and to anyone else who may draw inspiration from me, I am not perfect. I am very much an imperfect person -- especially when it comes to food choices. I admit I have a food addiction, then again who doesn't when it comes to eating all those chemical filled, refined, addictive ingredients. Sigh, and yet I know all this so why do I go back? I am weak. That is what it comes down to. I choose to succumb to my cravings, full well knowing what it will do to my body, but why? It isn't worth it. I had a cramping stomach ache last night which made it very difficult to sleep, then this morning I spent a bit in the bathroom (I think you can figure out doing what). Now I feel so tired again, I need to do a triple T25 today because its the last day - I start week 5 tomorrow so I don't have a choice. I dropped the ball on eating and exercise this week. So disappointed in myself.
My tongue and my brain need to get on the same page. My tongue wants it, my brain knows my body won't like it.
When I clean eat I do feel good, I have energy, I feel healthy, I don't feel bloated.
When I don't allow cheats, as soon as life throws me a curve ball and I eat something bad for me I end up like a crazy person (as seen by what I just said I ate yesterday) and I go way overboard. Which is why I have mentioned in the past that cheats don't work for me. I can't cheat. I need to get to a place where I can make better food choices in a restaurant for date nights/family nights.

This is so hard for me. I have no support. My husband will grant me my every desire - plus it isn't really a spouses place to say "no honey you can't eat that"... us woman would totally get bent out of a shape and take it the wrong way (when in the state of mind); furthermore our spouses can't say "you should exercise" ... I can't put that on him. As I sit here I am rational. I know that if he said that to me it would be because I asked him to do that for me, but when I am in that mode of wanting that bad food and he says "don't" I will take it personally. I don't intend to, but that is just a reaction.

So it is just me. Ups, and downs, it is only me. I work out alone. I am training for the triathlon alone. I am solely responsible for what I put in my mouth. This is how it is supposed to be though, I just don't know if I am ready to be tossed from the nest yet and fly solo. I had great support when I started this journey and I just miss that support, you know? I had people encouraging me left, right and center. Now it's almost as if people are just so tired of hearing about my weight loss, my exercise, my clean eating, I'm not even sure anyone reads this blog anymore. On top of having an overwhelming circle of support,  I had a workout partner in the beginning to push me, it was a set schedule (7/7:30pm every night) and I committed to that, now I have swayed from that because there is nobody I will disappoint if I don't do it. Just myself, which has never been enough for me in the past. C'est la vie, right? I can't blame anyone for my failures - this is MY journey. I am just saying it was much easier when I was doing it with someone. Anyone! I thrive with support. It keeps me amped. Makes me want to push myself harder to keep up. I don't know the mindset is just different. I've never succeeded on my own before, and the only reason I think I have come this far this time is because I did have a partner, this time was different. Life happens though, I'm just trying to deal with this shift (clearly not very well though)

I am not saying I am going to give up now, I'm just saying this journey is getting more challenging. You'd think after 3 months of doing it, that it would become second nature, right? Well it isn't for me. Maybe that is how it is supposed to be though. For me, its just 3 months of not being "allowed" that food. See? It is all in my mind. I think of it as that food is being taken from me because I am a bigger person. I don't clean eat, and exercise because I WANT to, I do it because I HAVE to. It is a chore to me. Which is the biggest thing that needs to change before I will succeed. I need to embrace this new lifestyle and change my way of thinking. This isn't a temporary change until I get skinny because if I don't stick to it I will just get big again. I did enjoy it in the beginning, it was exciting and again I was sharing recipes in the beginning with someone and we were feeding off each other and I drew my motivation from that. I had the "lifestyle" mindset in the beginning, I have no clue when I shifted gears, maybe when it started to get hard? I just feel so worn out. I feel like I am out of ideas.

I am lost and alone.

I think this is me at my crossroads right now. I have also been dealing with a lot of emotional crap this week (and I am an emotional eater) so there are a lot of challenges that I am working through right now. I know I will do it. I just needed to vent, which is what my blog is for after all.

Not much else I can say now... I need to put things into action and find my own encouragement, instead of depending on it from others. It is what it is.